On Gender

April 28, 2024April 27, 2024 Kara Jorgensen2 Comments

The other day I was listening to the audiobook of Threads of Life by Clare Hunter, and there were several instances in her book where she discusses the synergy of cis women working together and relating to each other in a space all their own. Listening to it, I was puzzled that people experience that kind of synergy or easy relation. I often chocked up my discomfort to being autistic. By nature, I’m not particularly good at “blending” with neurotypical people. As Hannah Gadsby talks about in their comedy shows, being autistic is like being the one sober person in a room of drunks; you constantly feel like you stick out.

But it runs deeper than the autism. I’ve never felt like a woman. People would talk about womanhood or what women want or feel, and I would feel my eyes glaze over. Cannot relate. At an abstract level, I get it. I can see and understand what other people in the same way I can say people can be the same gender and be very different people. The problem is woman has always fit like an outfit two sizes two big. It just sort of hung around me with no shape, and the shape people tried to give it didn’t make me feel good about myself or make sense in terms of how I see myself.

That has always been the bigger issue for me: how people perceive me. The lack of control over other people’s assumptions is a burden I constantly struggle to deal with. Any time I get hit with “ma’am” or “miss,” I can feel my soul curl like a shrimp. I’m lucky in that I’m an adjunct college professor, so most of the time, I get called “professor,” which is blessedly neutral. There are assumptions that come with being a woman or man, none of which I want or live up to. If I tried to ascribe to either, I would always be failing, falling short of someone’s idea of what I should be.

The best way I can describe my gender is neither or none or femininely masculine. One of the reasons I gravitated toward Stede Bonnet in Our Flag Means Death is because he hits the right gender buttons for me. He is a queer, autistic man, but he’s quite feminine and fussy compared to the other male characters. He wears bright colors, loves a luxury fabric, and isn’t clinging to traditional masculinity. I look at him and see gender inspiration. Same with Lestat de Lioncourt in Interview with the Vampire, though I’m far too silly to embody that fully.

I joke with my partner that “weird little guy” is my gender. Can a gender be queer? Not genderqueer, per se, but slightly masculine in a queer way, not a cis het guy way. Mostly, I use agender or nonbinary as the closest labels I can get. I add lightly masc because if I wear anything too feminine, I get dysphoric. Truthfully, I’d rather toss gender out the window as an unnecessary nuisance. The people I tend to vibe with most tend to be neurodivergent nonbinary people because I think we look at gender differently than neurotypicals. Autistic people are more likely than the general population to be trans or nonbinary, and that’s probably because gender is made up. We hate when people make arbitrary rules or try to create hierarchy, so why would we let made up gender rules get in the way of living our best lives?

While in the past it may have bothered me that I didn’t vibe fully with cis men or cis women, I’m more than happy to vibe in the agender autistic/ADHD club with the rest of my friends. I may never feel the synergy people talk about, but I feel at peace and at home where I can talk about my special interests, not be chastised for a verbal fumble, and not be judged for the parts I came with. For those people, I am eternally grateful.

A Vent: the Freydis Fiasco

April 21, 2024April 22, 2024 Kara Jorgensen11 Comments

**What is written below is my experience with Freydis Moon and what has gone down since last February. Obviously, all of this is from my perspective, and I have not used other people’s names for privacy reasons. I want to use this post to vent everything that has happened this past year**

If you follow me on social media, over the past year or so, you may have seen me posting about how I was getting weird messages/replies on Twitter along with ghost quote rts (where someone who has seemingly privated or blocked you shares you work) on posts that wouldn’t normally get quoted/shared. This freaked me out so badly that my hair fell out over the summer/early fall of 2023 due to the stress of what was going on and the fact that I couldn’t say anything because the person who was behind it was another author within my orbit: Freydis Moon.

Freydis Moon has been unmasked Scooby Doo style as another terrible author named Taylor Barton or Brooklyn Ray. You can take a look at the evidence here if you want more background. The main m.o. with this person was that they would bully people, and when they would say something or try to, Freydis would rile up their readers/followers/friends to take them down. This was often done publicly, but it was often done on Discords and back channels only.

My issues with Freydis go back to February of 2023. I made a post on Twitter complaining about trope marketing since I don’t write or read fanfic, basically riffing off what a friend said. Freydis came into both of our posts and stirred up shit. I got off lighter with insinuations that I was being classist for saying if you have a BA in English, you look at book structure/writing differently (not better, differently). But they went after my friend, even though they backed down and unnecessarily apologized for their marketing opinion. Freydis and another queer author made a whole thread making fun of them and then seemingly booted my friend off a queer author Discord we were part of with the words “bad vibes be gone.” I was pissed. I left the Discord nearly immediately and muted Freydis everywhere. Part of me hoped they might apologize, but that never came.

After that happened, I started comparing notes with another neurodivergent author who had also had run-ins with Freydis and realized there were more and more of us who had this experience of “misunderstandings” that felt ableist. What I mean by that is tone policing, reading into things that aren’t there and then attacking you for it, and ganging up on them with another author/supporter among other things. Between February and summer, I watched another neurodivergent author get into a spat with them after calling them out for bullying. It’s also key to note here that Freydis also masqueraded as another author, Saint Harlow, who often acted as their attack dog. Saint Harlow went after this author, then Freydis got them into emails/DMs and then twisted around what they said. Once again, shitty behavior, but when you throw in that this author was autistic, it takes on a far more obvious ableist edge in that we are often not as socially adept and it’s far easier to trip us up, especially since clarifying leads to over-explaining, which gives the bully more to work with.

By this point, the pattern of ableist behavior was solidifying, especially after going through older spats between them and traditionally published authors, several of whom were known to be neurodivergent. Another autistic author became more vocal about Freydis’s behavior toward autistic and neurodivergent author, and so did I. Neither of us ever named names, and I don’t think I even mentioned that I was talking about a specific person when I talked about ableism being a pattern of behavior rather than a discreet action. That was seemingly enough. When a friend was called out by them, I told them to ignore Freydis (basically doing the opposite of what happened with the other author and because grey rocking is a common tactic against abusive behavior). Someone leaked those chats to Freydis, who then leaked them to their friends. I lost like 10-15 mutuals in like two days and couldn’t figure out why. I later found out it was because they told people I had been “racially harassing” them despite the fact that I hadn’t spoken to/about them in months and never had been racist toward/about them.

By that point, I had had them blocked everywhere, and I mean everywhere. Twitter, Instagram, Goodreads, Tiktok, in my email, even Etsy. Their presence was triggering to me by that point. I went out of my way to avoid them, so there was no way in hell I was going to harass them. On top of that, I hadn’t said anything about any of this on any of my public social media accounts, only within close friend groups. Around this time in the summer is when what I can only describe as cyberstalking started. I would post something and a friend who come tell me Freydis is subtweeting me, even though I had them and their other alias’s account (whom I thought was a separate person) both blocked. I started getting ghost quote retweets on posts about my health or neurodivergence, which was strange since those aren’t topics people would comment on. I would have replies/qrts pop up, then disappear, and I started to think I was losing my mind. More people I thought were my friends unfollowed me, and I stayed silent publicly. I didn’t know how to possibly prove something I hadn’t done, but what saddened me most was that people who I thought knew me, knew my character and behavior over the months/years we had been acquaintances believed I was harassing someone and being racist. I’m not perfect, but I do my best to be anti-racist and continue to unlearn damaging behaviors and thought patterns. If I had done something, I would have apologized and taken responsibility for my behavior, but I hadn’t, especially since I hadn’t spoken to/about them since February.

When Bluesky appeared, I was relieved as they hadn’t arrived and the weird ghosts posts stopped for a time. The moment Freydis got an account there, I blocked them. I literally searched their name every day just to block them. Then, one day I made a post that was meant to be a joke about asexuality and spice (I’m asexual). Suddenly, my post was circulating among Freydis’s people, despite having most of them blocked, and I only knew because a friend came to tell me people were upset with me. I realized they were creeping on my posts again and cyberstalking me with a sock puppet/alt account or by using a friend to evade the block.

During the Trans Rights Readathon this year, I was tagged in a trans author list and one of their followers popped on to call me a serial harasser. Their “evidence” was me complaining about Frey’s clique to the friend from February and the ace-spice joke post (that I later deleted and apologized for). Luckily, the person who saw it didn’t believe the “evidence,” but this confirmed to me that they were doing this somewhere privately and that I wasn’t wrong in believing that they were sowing discord on Discord. During the Trans Rights Readathon, this happened more than once, and someone left a one star review on one of my books calling me a racist harasser, which my friends reported and got taken down. Once again, I still hadn’t said a peep about them.

Two weeks or so before today, I cracked and made a thread on Bluesky about being cyberstalking and how if someone asks you to keep tabs on someone who blocked them, you are contributing to stalking and harassment. I was tired and overwrought emotionally by what was going on but still didn’t name names or use specifics. My friends were being supportive and agreeing when a sock puppet account came out of the woodwork to call me racist [again]. They told a person who was supporting me that doing so was not a “good look” for them. Fortunately, that person saw through the manipulation and told them off. The sock puppet deleted their account and disappeared.

That episode rattled me because of how overt it was. I spent the rest of the week freaked out, and as recently as Friday, I had been pouring out my feelings to my partner about how this bullying felt like it was never ending to the point that I had gone back through interactions to make sure I hadn’t actually done something. It made me question my sanity and memory. I struggle with OCD and have chronic inflammatory problems, and the prolonged nature of Freydis’s bullying took its toll on me. As I mentioned at the beginning of this post, my hair fell out from stress.

When the news came out that there was hard evidence that Freydis Moon was Taylor Barton/Brooklyn Ray, I was relieved. Several friends who knew about the situation reached out to me, and I decided to finally post about what went on. Everyone who has interacted with my posts has been very supportive, which I greatly appreciate. At the same time, I have mixed feelings about everything. The non-anonymous whistleblower was part of the crowd that spread/believed lies about me and shut me and several others out of parts of the queer indie romance community. People who I saw joining in on Freydis’s bad behavior are claiming they had no idea, and suddenly, people who have had me blocked for months on Freydis’s orders or word are now unblocking and re-friending me.

While I’m relieved this person’s behavior and real identity have come to light, I have been embittered by what has happened. My character and conduct meant nothing in the face of Freydis’s word because if they said it with enough authority, it had to be true even if there was no evidence. Freydis also weaseled their way into authority positions on projects that centered autism after being ableist and awful to autistic authors. They were actively ableist on their Discords and even made fun of me specifically for being autistic, yet no one pushed back. I’m not ready to forgive anyone who moved in that circle because I think if a new leader for the cult of personality stepped up, they would follow them. I hope they examine their actions and strive to do better in the future.

My sympathy goes out to all the readers who saw themselves in Freydis’s work and the queer, Latinx indie authors who may be harmed in the future due to their careless actions. They all deserved better.

Personal Life

The Discomfort of Trying

March 10, 2024March 9, 2024 Kara Jorgensen1 Comment

Remember back in my discussion of social media and the devaluation of the arts, I mentioned how AI “art” partly arises from the discomfort of trying and being bad at art and how many tech bros don’t want to try to actually learn how to create art because a) it’s hard b) it takes time c) being bad at something is uncool d) caring enough to try for long periods is also uncool. That is vastly oversimplified, but you get the point.

In my infinite wisdom and procrastination as I work on book 3 of the Reanimator Mysteries series, I have decided to take up cross-stitching! Yes, folks, Kara is learning a new craft, and ironically, this time, there is no mental breakdown that has set it off. I was in a mental health low when I decided cross-stitching looked interesting, so maybe, I followed my usual pattern anyway, but I had been putting it off. At first, I wanted to finish “An Unexpected Question” and didn’t want to use my craft project as a procrastination method, which was sensible because I would have absolutely done that. Then, I kept putting it off, despite having AIDA cloth, hoops, floss, and a simple pattern. Why was I actively intrigued by projects and cross-stitchers I saw on Instagram but kept not starting a project?

Because what if I sucked at it? What if it was too hard?

I never thought those words exactly; I just sidled away from the project, putting it off for another day. When I finally realized what I was doing, I was pissed. Kara Jorgensen does not cower before a new craft project. Hell, my life’s goal is to be decent at every craft I can possibly learn, and if I can construct whole plastic canvas village sets, I can do a six by six inch cross-stitch pattern.

To force myself to actually start, I decided to participate in a stitch along (I’ll use SAL as an acronym for it here on out). SALs are when a cross-stitcher releases the pattern in pieces week by week, so week one you do the frames of the piece, week two you do a part in the upper left corner, week 3 you do part of the upper right, etc. In this case, it’s the Femurs and Fungi SAL by Fine Frog Stitching, which is supposed to have a sort of science goth, dark academia nature aesthetic. I saw it on Instagram and thought it looked really cool, so I bought the pattern, ordered all the materials on the list, and prepared myself to start the project in April. After following another SAL from a different creator a few months ago, I had always hoped to join one but never committed. Part of the fun with them is sharing your pieces each week to show off what you’ve done. It’s like having a community to cheer you on and having a sort of cheat sheet in case you get stuck since you can check out what other people have done with the patterns.

By joining, the SAL, which begins in early April, I set a deadline to learn the basics of cross-stitching. Most SALs are roughly advanced beginner to intermediate in terms of skill level, so I knew I would need to do a semi basic project to learn the ropes before I could do the SAL. A few weeks ago, I finally picked up my AIDA and hoop after watching like ten “how to cross-stitch” videos on Youtube. It didn’t look difficult, but that anticipatory anxiety remained. In a fit of oh-for-fucks-sake, I stuffed my fabric in a hoop, measured the center with a chalk pencil and got started, and guess what happened?

I sucked. Yes, I could follow a pattern since they’re very similar to plastic canvas patterns. Yes, I could put my stitches in the same way each time. But I struggled. I couldn’t find the holes in the AIDA, I couldn’t separate the floss properly and spent half an hour untangling it, I couldn’t thread the needle without taking five minutes to do so, and I couldn’t figure out how to hold the hoop without making my hand cramp. At one point, I did like twenty white-knuckled stitches and put it down. There was that little voice whispering, “Maybe this craft isn’t for me,” but instead, I stepped back and thought, “What am I doing wrong, and where can I make my life easier?”

I invested in a needle threader. I have a minor hand tremor that makes threading difficult. I already used one for plastic canvas yarn, so I bought one small enough for cross-stitch thread. One problem solved. That problem finding the holes on the fabric? Turns out, I was using the wrong size needle. I got the proper size, and the process is now significantly easier. A cross-stitcher on Youtube posted a video of how to properly pull the floss to separate it, and once I figured out that technique, the floss no longer tangled.

The vast majority of my problems were caused by inexperience, not ineptitude or a lack of innate talent. If I had someone teaching me, they probably would have taught me the tricks of the trade, but since I’m teaching myself, I needed to hunt down the things that are common knowledge to those who have been doing it for a long time. That isn’t true of just the world of crafts. Everything has those bumps that beginners don’t know about, and you can either throw down your hoop and give up or seek the answers yourself to figure out how to get past them.

The progress I’ve made over the past week has been significant. My stitches are no longer so wobbly or lopsided. I can find the holes in the AIDA much easier, which means I stitch faster and with more fluency. I’ve done creative projects long enough to know that there is always a skill acceleration, then a plateau, then another acceleration, etc. as you level up whatever skill you’re working on. At some point, I’ll hit another wall and have to go back to consulting my more experienced friends and the lovely people of Youtube who share their knowledge for free.

But the point is I’m learning by doing. I’m enjoying and trusting in the process of learning, even when it’s frustrating. Doing any sort of artistic endeavor is difficult, but if you want to learn it, do it. Do your homework, research the supplies you need, and dive in knowing you will be bad at it initially. The only way to get good at something is to actually do it, so trust the learning process and don’t be afraid to look for help online. Take this as your sign to use that craft kit or start that project.

Personal Life

Reintroducing Myself

February 25, 2024February 26, 2024 Kara Jorgensen1 Comment

Since a lot of people read my blog and followed along after my two part blogs on how social media/capitalism are decimating the arts, I thought I would reintroduce myself (and because I deeply needed a palate cleanser blog that wasn’t me yelling about capitalism).

My name is Kara Jorgensen (they/them), and I am a queer, nonbinary author of nine books. As a little background, I have a BA in English and biology and a MFA in Creative and Professional Writing, and besides writing, I’m also an adjunct professor teaching freshman writing classes and creative writing. I’m an eternal student who loves learning new things and deep-diving into research for my books or whatever interesting thing crosses my path. If I could continually go back to get degrees/study new disciplines, I would. Some of my favorite things to research are the 1890s, food history, Ancient Egypt, medical history, diseases, folklore, and the history of crafts/art/fashion. There’s definitely more that I’m missing, but those tend to be what I gravitate toward most.

Besides writing and reading, I’m also a crafter. I have been creating art in its various forms for as long as I can remember, but I’m particularly fond of crochet and plastic canvas. Soon, I’ll be getting into cross-stitch (and hopefully embroidery as well) as soon as my supplies come in. One day, I’d love to get back into painting and drawing more, but for now, that sort of creative spirit is relegated to my bullet journal spreads. Stickers and planner supplies, like washi tape, are another weakness, especially when I can support my favorite artists in the process. My aesthetic preferences tend to be on the Gothic side, so if you ever see my crafts, please know that they’re either super colorful or Goth ninety percent of the time.

If you noticed that I have a lot of special interests, it’s because I’m autistic. In my books there tend to be a lot of characters who are neurodivergent, mentally ill, and/or chronically ill because I am all of the above. Growing up, I didn’t see many autistic characters that reflected my experiences or who were queer, so my most recent books, The Reanimator Mysteries series, has a queer, autistic main character that embodies many of my experiences.

Speaking of my books, all of them have queer characters, and they are all paranormal, historical fantasies set in the 1890s. My first series, The Ingenious Mechanical Devices, is set in mostly in England while my last three newer books are set in America. If you’re interested in checking out my books, I highly recommend The Reanimator’s Heart, which is about an autistic necromancer who accidentally reanimates his murdered crush. Together, they go on to solve his murder and others, and I promise there is a happy ending. It’s in ebook, paperback, and audiobook. You can also check out The Earl of Brass, which is my first book and is free in ebook form. If you want something a little less heavy, I would suggest Kinship and Kindness, which features a trans man fox shifter who wants to unionize the shifters at the Paranormal Society and accidentally falls for a strapping werewolf who is leading a delegation in his father’s stead. All of my books are available at all major retailers and in library systems.

You can also join my monthly newsletter. If you join, you’ll get free short stories for The Reanimator Mysteries series along with a stand alone sapphic novella called Flowers and Flourishing, which features a trans woman MC, a jaguar shifter, and a gorgeous painting. In each monthly newsletter, you get writing updates, a dog pic, and a morbid research tidbit. Plus, whenever I write a short story, you get it for free.

If any of this sounds like your kind of thing, I hope you’ll stick around. On this blog, I will post more about writing as a craft, book research, author updates, monthly wrap-ups, and the occasional rant/essay on topics I’m passionate about.

Personal Life

On Not Being Palatable

January 28, 2024January 19, 2024 Kara Jorgensen4 Comments

I’m starting to think the path of least resistance and the road to hell are the same thing. With what is going on in Palestine and my own country’s various issues, the vast majority of which stem from white supremacist ideology, I’m happily putting a stake through the heart of my palatability.

I’ve never been a people pleaser. To be a people pleaser, you have to actually please people, and when you were born weird and slightly arrogant, that doesn’t come easily. Typically, people pleasers will blend in with whomever they’re around, letting go of their edges and corners until they’re palatable. At this point in my life, I’ve decided to grow out my points.

At 32, I’m tired of making myself smaller to make other people comfortable. I got a taste of this in college as the student who always raised their hand and received dirty looks and snide remarks from my classmates. Frankly, I didn’t care. The eye-rollers were assholes, so I ignored them. Unfortunately, going to a very neurotypical-staffed grad program and then an abysmal job market eroded my “I don’t give a shit about other people’s opinions of me” attitude. Pretending I was normal (or masking, as we say in the neurodivergent world) sucks. It’s soul-sucking and wrong to the point that I burnt myself out playing normal. When I finally gave up and told my students that I’m autistic and queer and acted more myself, I ended up having a much better relationship with them. A weight had been lifted, and there was no going back if I could help it.

On the writing front, I’ve been far less willing to blend. I saw a post back in October where a new author was worrying that their audience might not align with their political views, so they decided to just not say anything. The knee-jerk reaction I had to the cowardice dripping from the post made me set my phone down. My first thought was, “Oof, I guess you’re white, cis, straight, and Christian.” Only someone whose identity aligns with the political “norm” would have such a shitty take. I used to be upset when I received homophobic reviews on my first few books. At this point, I smear so much queerness and neurodivergence across my books and online posts that someone would have to purposely ignore it to not see it. If you’re conservative and reading my books, you’re probably hate-reading, and I still have your money in my pocket, so *shrug* go ahead and leave a review that lures in queer readers.

Art is political. What we do or don’t include, who we do or don’t portray and how all gives a glimpse into our politics. If you want to sanitize your work to make it palatable for everyone, there is no chance that you’re creating anything worthwhile. Is it worth it to hack off your edges to make a few more bucks?

While I may not be immediately clocked as queer or nonbinary in the wild, I still stick out as a mask-wearer. I’m immunosuppressed, but even if I wasn’t, the science says we should avoid the plague at all costs if we want to maintain our and our loved one’s health. Masking is community care, and if you’re someone who feels strongly about racial equality or disability justice, you should be masking. You can’t be an ally to communities of color and not mask when they are more likely to have worse outcomes than white people. I don’t care if it’s weird or people think it’s over the top. It’s no skin off my nose to put a mask on when I’m at work or the store. It’s the least I can do.

I’d like it if everyone could take a look at themselves and figure out what parts of themselves they’ve been sanding off to make themselves more palatable and why. Obviously, if you’re in an unsafe situation, you should do what you have to in order to preserve your life/sanity, but for those of us able to step out of line or march to our own beat, we should stop trying to be palatable.

Being palatable is blending in, being palatable means not making waves, being palatable allows genocides to unfold, whether they be of queer people, Palestinian people, disabled people, and I’m not about that life.

Personal Life · Writing

My 2024 Goals

January 14, 2024December 31, 2023 Kara Jorgensen1 Comment

Some of you may know that I do quarterly goals and use the HB90 system, but this year, I also wanted to make a goal list for my year overall. I’m not a fan of making wild or grandiose goals that assume you are magically a new person when the new year starts, so I try to keep my goals realistic or at least doable. I’ve broken these goals down into writing goals, publishing goals, personal goals, and other.

Writing Goals

Write more consistently- I have been struggling to get into a writing routine this past year, so in 2024, I want to be better about writing more days than not and doing more sprints than I am currently doing
Finish, edit, and send out “An Unexpected Question” (The Reanimator Mysteries #2.5) to my newsletter subscribers in January
Write and edit The Reanimator Mysteries #3
Write The Reanimator Mysteries #3.5 short story
Start brainstorming The Reanimator Mysteries #4

Publishing Goals

Publish The Reanimator Mysteries #3 in October
Have a good launch/preorder period for book #3
Make REDACTED in sales overall (about 15% more than I did in 2023)
Proof and publish the audiobook for The Reanimator’s Soul
Look into selling books directly on my website/Etsy
Publish 1-2 books

Personal Goals

Assemble and use the elliptical I bought months ago (oops)
Stay out of other people’s chaos
Be more mindful of my mental health and do more to support myself before it gets bad
Work more on my office renovation (that has been basically shelved since last summer)
Be better about refilling my creative well with things like crafts, movies I enjoy, reading, art, etc.
Take a trip to HMart with my partner

Other Goals

Read 100 books (which is my usual goal and includes graphic novels, manga, short stories, etc.)
Play extensively/finish 2 video games
Have 5 2,000+ word writing days
Have 2 5,000+ word writing days (I’d really like to work my way up to having large writing days. Out of all my goals, these two are probably the least attainable, but I can try)
Keep crafting and/or learn a new craft skill
Continue to blog weekly and send out monthly newsletters
Commission more art of my characters, as a treat

I’m sure for some people this looks like a lot while for other authors, this is nothing compared to how many book they publish. At this point, I think I can only publish 1-2 books a year, and while I’d like to be able to write more or get ahead of my publication schedule, I am trying to be conservative and/or realistic with my goals. Nothing makes me feel worse than dreaming wildly and completely missing the mark. Overall though, I think this is very doable.

My hope for all of us is that 2024 will bring a very boring, peaceful time. I hope for Palestine to be free, for people to take public health seriously, for all of us to have more public safety nets and prosperity that isn’t at the expense of others.

Personal Life · Writing

My End of 2023 Reflection

December 31, 2023 Kara Jorgensen1 Comment

I’m not going to lie, I have been putting off writing a yearly review of 2023. By and large, this year has been awesome. My book won awards, I had a record number of preorders on The Reanimator’s Soul, I wrote a whole book, things have gone well– more than well. On the other hand, there were things that happened that upset me and have continued to grate on me all year. My fear is that this reflection will come off as unnecessarily bitter, which I don’t want for you (my readers) or for myself. I don’t want someone else’s assholery to poison my soul and that is something I will be working on as we move into 2024, especially since so many great things happened this year. Without further ado, let’s get into it.

Things That Went Really Well

This year has been awesome, and I want to thank my readers for that. Without you all, I wouldn’t have had nearly as good a year. You all were so enthusiastic about The Reanimator’s Soul‘s release in October, and you all put up The Reanimator’s Heart for a bunch of awards/categories. As someone who is a bit self-deprecating when it comes to awards, I was shocked to see my books repeatedly put up. Seriously, thank you all. The Reanimator’s Heart won third place in BBNYA 2023 (Book Blogger’s Novel of the Year Awards 2023) out of over 250 entries. My books are also up for the Indie Ink Awards in several categories, and The Reanimator’s Heart won “best historical fiction” in the Queer Indie Awards.

The Reanimator’s Heart was also Meet Cute Bookshop’s LGBT romance read for September. Hell, MY BOOK WAS IN A PHYSICAL STORE! That alone just blew my mind. I was also interviewed by Geeks Out about my books/writing. More importantly, my books got more fan art! I love artwork so much, and every time I find out that someone was moved to create something based around my characters I am just over the moon. Few things make me happier than fan art. I also commissioned art from OblivionsDream and really want to do that again in 2024.

I don’t want to go into sales numbers and all the nitty gritty of that, but I had a good year in that regard. I’ve been trying to build on the momentum of The Reanimator’s Heart‘s release with book two, and I think I achieved that. I had the most preorders I have ever had, which I did not expect at all. My sales overall have been strong (for me), and I’m hoping I can keep that up in 2024 as well. I’m also hoping that the various awards and such will sort of keep stoking that fire.

Things That Didn’t Go As Great

I need to get better at writing consistently. It’s something I have struggled with this year. Overall, I wrote quite a bit, but I often feel like my attention is all over the place. Stretching my attention muscles is something I really do want to work on going forward as well as getting into a more consistent writing routine. This year had some chaos that I know messed specifically with this. If I’m mentally doing not great, my writing suffers first, and when my writing isn’t going well, I can’t get mentally balanced. It is a vicious cycle.

When I was called for jury duty in July, my OCD kicked up. This was compounded by some assholerly caused by another author who repeatedly made my life miserable by being a bully to me and others I know. The first instance of this didn’t cause me that much angst back in February because, while angry about how they treated someone else, I muted/blocked them, deleted my reviews of their books, and said good riddance. Unfortunately, several months later (when my OCD was already acting up) they reappeared when they got in a beef with someone else I know. The bullying person somehow got access to conversations where several of us talked about our shared experiences of them being weirdly passive aggressive or being a straight-up bully, and they made our lives miserable. I ended up having to lock my Twitter for a bit because I was getting cryptic replies and ghost rts, despite having the other person blocked everywhere. It was stress I neither needed nor wanted.

Going forward, I need to move on. I know I have been stewing on this because this person hasn’t been negatively impacted at all, despite bullying ND people several times this year that I know of, because they sick their followers on anyone who even mentions they have behaved poorly. If you follow me on social media, you may have heard me mention that my hair fell out from stress; this was why. My brain doesn’t want to leave it alone, but it isn’t healthy to dwell and frankly, calling them out on it will only backfire on me. I have to accept that and focus on maintaining my mental health in 2024 and working on my stress levels. Taking care of my brain is something I need to get better about. My plan in 2024 is to forget they exist and wait til karma catches up with them or they pick a fight with the wrong person.

Things I’m Thankful For

Let’s clear the air of negativity by ending with talking about the people and things I am very thankful for this year.

All of you. Seriously, every one of my readers who have read my books, suggested them to others, left reviews, made art, replied kindly to my posts, you all have made my life so much brighter this year. I wish nothing but the best for you in 2024, whether that’s success, prosperity, peace, healing, I hope you get it.

My partner. My partner has been going on a journey of their own with their gender, mental health, neurodivergence, etc. This year has been tough for both of us, but my partner has been nothing but supportive, kind, and loving, even when dealing with their own stuff. I love them immensely and cannot wait for another year with them.

My author friends who are my social network, my moral support system, and vast wells of knowledge. I couldn’t ask for better peeps to hang with than all of you. I plan to keep cheering you all on in the coming year.

And of course, my students, who make my daily life so much brighter, richer, and sillier.

Overall, this was a really fantastic year, and I just wanted to thank all of you [again] for making it one.

I’ll be posting a goals for 2024 post soon, so stay tuned for more on that in the coming weeks. I hope you all have a safe and happy new year!

Personal Life

Kara Struggles with OCD

September 10, 2023August 26, 2023 Kara Jorgensen1 Comment

I’ve known for a while that I have OCD. It’s a very common comorbidity with autism, and they feed off each other in the worst way by tapping into that obsessive, hyperfocused piece of autism and strapping an anxiety rocket to the back of it. Once it starts, it’s very hard to stop.

To me, anxiety feels like I’m overwhelmed; the world is too much. OCD feels like my brain is hurtling through my thoughts at 100 mph in a hyperfocused yet constantly shifting feedback loop. It makes it nearly impossible to focus on one thing for long, so I just hop from thing to thing until my brain exhausts itself, gets anxious again, and the process repeats because checking/obsessing gives it a dopamine pay-off to cancel out the anxiety. The worst part is that when it’s bad, I’m not always cognizant that’s what this is, especially if there is an active source of stress. The incident that has kicked off this post was caused by someone and a perceived (real or imagined) threat, so it wasn’t illogical to believe I needed to do something to stay safe. The problem was anxiety about feeling unsafe because it seemed like someone I had blocked was creeping on my social media quickly snowballed into an obsessive downward spiral (whether that was true or not doesn’t change the anxiety over it).

I don’t like who I become when I’m obsessed like this. You know in movies/TV shows where the detective is tracking someone through storms and ridiculous situations no matter what danger appears, that is how being OCD driven feels. My brain would happily sacrifice actual safety to get what it wants, and that is terrifying in hindsight. It makes me an unsafe person when I’m in that hypervigilant state. The minutiae I would typically be anxiety-ridden over go out the window if I can feed the thought engine to go faster. Somehow my brain thinks hurtling toward danger is how I can make myself safe, as if I can think myself into safety because the solution has to be there somewhere. I just need to think fast and hard enough to do it.

Part of the problem is that I have trained myself to do this by accident. When I was in high school and college, I could ascend to a higher test-taking plane by working myself into that frenzied hyperfocused state. If you’ve ever seen Michael Phelps getting pumped before a meet, that’s basically what it looks like but internal. I could fly through a final exam in less than fifteen minutes and walk out with an A because I worked my brain into a state it was never meant to be in. After finals week, I would collapse into a pool of exhaustion and mild anxiety until my synapses cooled. The same thing happens now with OCD.

I feel the rug pulled out from under me when the source of stress is removed or I snap out of it for whatever reason. OCD brain v. normal brain is a shocking contrast, but when it’s been slowly building for weeks, you don’t notice you’re in trouble until you’re in the thick of it, which is the scariest part for me. My OCD doesn’t manifest as external rituals, it’s just internal cycling, obsessive chaos, which makes it harder to pinpoint and harder for others to notice and intervene. Plus, despite all the rest, I try to hide it if I think my partner is getting concerned about me. I shouldn’t, but unfortunately, it’s hard to admit to ourselves and others that we need help. I’m open about having anxiety and being autistic, but OCD is always seen so stereotypically that it’s hard to discuss it when it presents as a whirlpool of brain chaos and refreshing internet tabs.

Truthfully, I thought I could will it away. If I tried hard enough, I could magically beat back the OCD or pull myself out without external help, but it’s obvious I can’t. The problem with treating OCD and autism together is multifaceted. The most obvious issue is the cost and availability of mental health services. A lot of places have wait lists for evaluations, and no matter where you go, it’s going to cost you unless you have good insurance (even then, it isn’t cheap). The other major problem is that a lot of psychiatrists are not equipped to work with neurodivergent/autistic patients, so they end up either being ableist and patronizing or totally useless because your brain doesn’t work the same way as a neurotypical person’s brain. When you have a combo plan brain and one without external ritualized behaviors, OCD gets a little tricky to treat.

My hope is that in the near future I can get anti-anxiety/OCD medication that will hopefully help to tamp down these feelings or make it easier to disengage. It will probably be a bit as I research psychiatrists and figure out what my insurance will and won’t cover. In the meantime, I’m going to try to limit my time on social media and active Discords because, now that I’m less chaotic, I know those are part of the under-over stimulated feedback loop that sucks me into a checking OCD spiral.

I got off balance this year back in July when I had the jury duty panel week, and it wasn’t my smartest move to throw an intensive summer class on top of it, knowing I was working on my book and that other things could come up, which they did. I need to figure out the balance between making enough to live and not putting my brain into stressed out, OCD hell. In the meantime, I’m going to work on finding some coping strategies and supplements that might muffle the anxiety until I can make an appointment with someone.

Personal Life

Kara’s Random Game Recs

August 13, 2023August 2, 2023 Kara Jorgensen2 Comments

This may seem random, but since I’ve been discussing maintaining my sanity, I thought I might talk about some games that I’ve greatly enjoyed and others I’m looking forward to in the future. Let me be upfront about my taste in games, in case we are polar opposites: I like low stress games with some story or romance, puzzles, task completion, etc. If there’s customization in the game, I’m probably down. If there is required multiplayer, I’m out. With that out of the way, let’s talk about some games I loved and why.

Ooblets

Ooblets is low stress and a bit silly. It’s a sort of like Pokemon in that you collect creatures, but instead of violent battles, they have dance battles. It’s low stress, there are mini games, lots of customization. It reminds me vaguely of My Sims for the Wii, especially with some of the Gothic flavored goodies, but it’s for the low stress crowd for sure.

Stardew Valley

Pretty much everyone knows Stardew Valley is a farm/life sim, so I won’t go into too much detail. I love how they’re still updating it now after how many years since its release and how many mods you can download to make the experience truly unique to you. My favorite character you can date will always be Shane. I take no criticism for it.

Spiritfarer

Spiritfarer is a gut punch at times. You are a spiritfarer, someone who transports souls along their journey to the otherworld. You have to help them become whole before they can move on, and some of the stories will bring tears to your eyes. It’s part story, part asset management game, and all fun. The world is fairly open but not so open that it feels aimless.

Strange Horticulture

If you loved Jordan L. Hawk’s Widdershins, Strange Horticulture is right up your alley. You play as a horticulturist who has just taken over a flower shop in a very strange town. Queer plants, puzzles, a cult and an eldritch monster lurking in the woods, it has everything you could possibly want. This story is divided into thirteen days (I think) and there are multiple endings, so it’s great to play more than once to hit all the paths/endings.

Unpacking

Unpacking is about telling a story through objects. We follow an unseen character as they unpack their life throughout the years. We get to see how their lives change and follow objects through the years. It is super sweet, and the more you play, the more you discover hints of the unseen character’s story. It is so chill, though I wish it was longer.

A Little to the Left

A Little to the Left is similar to Unpacking in that it is an object game, but this is more focused on puzzles. This one can be challenging at times (I had to sneak peeks at a guide a few times when I got stuck), so it’s low stress until it isn’t. They also made an expansion pack for cupboard and drawer puzzles (some of my favorites). It scratches the autistic urge to sort things.

Games I am Looking Forward to Playing

Venba– the story follows a family who is now living in a new country and the story is told through recipes. It looks so cute, and it’s a great change to see a story from an Indian company. Out now.
Book of Hours– this feels in the same vein as Strange Horticulture. It’s a puzzle game where you restore an occult library and discover things about its history as you fix it. It looks deliciously spooky, and you all know how much I love a game with historical flare. Out August 17th.
Botany Manor– we have another plant-based puzzle game, but Botany Manor follows a botanist who inherits a house in the English countryside filled with rare plants. You explore the manor, solve puzzles to help the plants grow, and enjoy the 19th century atmosphere. It looks so chill, and the scenery looks gorgeous. No release date yet.
Tiny Bookshop– You run a pop-up bookshop in an asset management/narrative game. This combines my favorite things: books, customization, and asset management. This game is still in development, but it looks right up my alley with the beachy, cozy ambiance. No release date yet.
Moonlight Peaks– Spooky Stardew Valley. You play a vampire who moves to a new town, where you need to make friends with other supernatural creatures, grow plants, and do magic. You get to fly around town as a bat. Every clip I see makes my Halloween heart happy. No release date yet.
Dredge– I own Dredge but haven’t worked up the nerve to play because I’m a chicken and it’s horror. You run a fishing boat in a town where some secrets are best forgotten. As you explore the island and upgrade your ship, you find out more. I love fishing games and unsettling games, so I’m hoping it’ll be my taste. It is out now.

Personal Life

Neurodivergence and Jury Duty

July 30, 2023July 13, 2023 Kara Jorgensen1 Comment

Sometimes it’s easy to forget I’m autistic. I have sort of built a life for myself where my weaknesses are minimized and my strengths are (mostly) highlighted. My job allows me plenty of decompression time, I can sort of pick my time slot, and my schedule is very predictable 90% of the time. The problem comes when I’m thrown a curve ball, and I’m repeatedly reminded that the world isn’t built for my brain.

In the first half of July, I had jury duty. To be clear, I didn’t get picked, but I had to attend jury duty selection, which means a week of my life was put on hold with a metaphorical piano hanging over my head. The funny thing is, I think actual jury duty would be far easier for me to deal with than the selection process, but let’s talk about the ways in which this was not an accessible or smooth experience for me as an autistic person.

Faces on cameras

It is overwhelming for me to stare at 60+ people on camera and know they are staring back at me. When I taught remotely early on in the pandemic, I didn’t require my students to show their faces, and I didn’t show mine. Every face is a lot of data or background noise/sensory input to deal with. Being on camera, even if I’m meant to be idle while waiting, feels performative. I’m hyper aware of every micro expression I am or am not making. As autistics, we’re often penalized for our resting bitch face or lack of expression, so I sat there for hours schooling my face into something close enough to mild interest that no one would say anything. On top of this, there were no captions (if there were, I couldn’t figure out how to turn them on). It’s hard to understand people when Zoom is cutting in and out, and I assumed I could turn it on and never asked anyone to do so preemptively. Things got garbled, especially when I was trying to listen and not look at myself or other people.

Schedules? Don’t know her

This was honestly the worst part. I never knew when anything was supposed to happen, or we’re told one thing but other instructions contradict it. One paper says you will hear from us by 5:30 PM, the woman on camera says 5:00 PM. The orientation itself wasn’t bad, but it was 3+ hours of instructions and time killing followed by being stuck in OCD purgatory (more on that later). I didn’t know if I was allowed to get up and go to the bathroom or if I could run my dogs outside really fast. The same thing happened during the selection process when we were initially told they would tell us who was on-deck to speak to the judge, so if we needed to get water or pee, we could. Then, they stopped telling us and just started calling people. The flipflopping on the setup was frustrating because as soon as I thought I got a handle on what was going on, it changed. On top of this, you never know what day you can or will be called. They say check your email after 5 PM every day this week to hear about the next day. That’s a lot of time to have zero predictability in my schedule. By Wednesday, I had no idea what day it was and felt completely unmoored. I didn’t even know if there was a possibility of being called on Friday. The paperwork made it seem like yes while the judge that talked to us made it sound like it didn’t happen. Nothing makes sense in jury duty selection.

Checking OCD trigger central

I have checking OCD (I came to understand that’s what it was during a therapy appointment during the pandemic). It used to manifest as checking my dad’s Fitbit all day while he was at work to monitor his heart rate because the fear was if I don’t check, he might have a major heart event, not realize it, and die. Since he passed, my checking OCD has been mostly under control. On the first day of jury selection, they said the worst thing they could have to me, “Check your email every 15-20 minutes.” Now, to normal people, this translates to check your email at least 2-3 times an hour. My paranoid, anxiety ridden self took this as check your email every 5-10 minutes, don’t believe it, refresh it, do it again, and check your phone. I was so afraid that I would get involved in something and miss an important email that I basically sat at my computer from 11-4:00 (when I got an email from them) doing nothing but futz around on Twitter and check my email. Once I realized I got an email AND a text if they needed me, that curbed my checking anxiety a bit, but the feeling of being yanked back into that spiral was horrible.

Yes or no questions

I hate yes or no questions, especially when people demand it be a yes or no under penalty of law for lying. Logically, I know I’m not being hauled off to jail for not 100% correctly answering a question (note: I don’t mean untruthfully, I mean not correct), but the fear is there. It trips me up in answering things because I don’t want to answer in haste and lie, but then, I think too hard about a question and get confused. Have you ever taken a standardized test or read a government form and had to parse it out for 10 minutes because you think you know what it’s asking, but you don’t want to be penalized if you’re wrong? That’s the autistic experience of dealing with the legal system, and people wrongly assume you’re lying if you spend too long thinking before you answer. I, unfortunately, was called to speak to the judge to see if I qualified for a case. The questions that were asked confused me, and I said as much. “Would you be prejudiced against a defendant just because they’re a defendant?” I sat there for a second not understanding why anyone would feel that way, asked the judge to explain it because it made zero sense to me, only to realize that was exactly what they were asking. My favorite was the judge asking if I had any conditions or anything that might make it impossible to fulfill my duty as a juror. I have never been a part of jury duty, so I honestly have no frame of reference as to whether or not I would be a functional human being in this situation or if I would just power down and dissociate. It’s hard to answer when I honestly don’t know. If you say that though, people look at you like you’re crazy, so I kept that to myself but said something else that got me disqualified from the case.

Bonus: misgendering!

Always fun when you have to use your full legal name for something when it’s a name you never use. I tried putting (Kara) next to it and still got full named. In a pre-service survey they ask if you’re male, female, or nonbinary. I put nonbinary. I’m 90% sure I did. On Zoom, I filled in my pronouns as they/them. I wore something gender neutral, I moved my computer to only show me from the shoulders up, I had my hair pulled back. I did everything I could and get miss-ed and ma’am-ed by the judge repeatedly. Once he said, “men and women” and “he or she” repeatedly during his warm-up speech, I figured it was a lost cause, but it still was like the moldy icing on the already stressful cake. Before someone says, “Why didn’t you say something?”, we all know rule one of jury duty and the legal system in general is don’t bring attention to yourself.

Kara, what was the point of this?

This was not meant to be a rambling complaint-fest. I wanted to point out that something most people find to be a minor inconvenience is actually stressful for some of us. Obviously, there’s always the financial stress of missing work when you get called for jury duty, but in this case, it’s more so the mental stress and anxiety this whole process causes in people who need clearly delineated information, consistency, and predictability. A week of constant anxiety feels like overkill for such a mundane process, but that’s what it was. The worst part is, I don’t even know what accommodations someone could ask for if the process is supposed to be random. Randomness inherently runs counter to what I need, but I wish the expectations and schedule could at least be more clear cut and not taken for granted by those who deal with jurors every day. For jury duty to be the fair and equitable process it hopes to be (though we all know its not), accommodating neurodivergent jurors would be a great place to start.