Last week in part 1 of “Community and Bad Author Behavior,” I discussed what to look out for when it comes to a writing or online community that enables toxic behavior from bad actors. In this week’s post, I would like to outline what we can do on a personal level and going forward as a community to hopefully combat this behavior and keep this pattern from repeating.

Recognize Manipulation

This is easier said than done, but being aware of the signs of an abusive manipulative person helps you avoid falling for another abusive manipulative person. Keep in mind that people who are manipulative are good at what they do. If they weren’t, they wouldn’t do it. Some things to look out for are:

• love bombing– this is when someone showers another person with praise and attention while getting closer to them. Once they have the person close, they then withhold affection. This done to keep the person craving their attention and trying to get in their good graces. Someone who runs hot and cold with their “friends” might be love bombing.
• gaslighting– telling you something didn’t happen or didn’t happen the way you remember it in order to make you question your sanity or to make them look better. Once again, it keeps the person off balance, and the story might even be spun in such a way that it makes the person apologize to the gaslighter and try to make it up to them.
• testing your boundaries– often they will run over your boundaries by asking you to share more, give them more time, be more emotionally intimate, trust them more. If you set a boundary, they will ignore it. At the same time, they are allowed to have boundaries, and if you run them over, they will punish you for it.
• controlling behavior– In online communities, you’ll often see things like, you can’t interact with X person; if you do y, you’re a terrible person; you can’t be part of the group if you like so and so; and if you do any of those things, you’ll be kicked out of the group. People want to be loyal and be part of the crowd, so they comply without much push back, especially if the person is adamant.
• using DARVO tactics– DARVO stands for deny [behavior], attack [victim], reverse victim and offender. Often someone is at the center of drama from multiple sources will try to play it off like they are the victim in all cases. Yes, someone can be bullied by multiple groups, but if someone seems to be involved in drama constantly, it warrants looking closer because DARVO tends to be involved. It’s a “get them before they get me” tactic to keep public opinion and support on their side and a way to muddy the waters when they do bad things.
• can’t handle criticism or being told no– most of this abusive behavior comes from a fragile ego or low self-confidence, so they pretend to be an authority in order to maintain an unquestionable position. They use this to avoid accountability and deflect criticism when they do something wrong. When you approach them to tell you they hurt you, they will blow up at you or do the “I’m sorry you feel that way” type apology.

Think Critically

Manipulative and abusive people rely on the fact that you will not think too hard about what they’re telling you. Trust is key when manipulative people build communities to insulate them because, in order to get away with things for as long as they do, people need to not see what is right in front of them. It’s a slight of hand. In part one, I talked about how in these communities we often see cult-like vibes and a culture where authority isn’t questioned. Both of these mindsets require people to not think critically about what they see or experience. People who are or have been part of high control groups (like certain religions) are often more vulnerable to this sort of behavior as they were raised in a similar environment.

People who require control to keep things in their favor do not want you to think too hard about what they’re saying or push back against their behavior. Once one person defects, there’s a higher chance others will too. This is why they often boot or smear people who leave them, to keep others from believing them or doing the same. One can push back against compliance or herd mentality by having a healthy amount of skepticism. You don’t have to be an asshole and loudly question everything, but you can keep in mind that you don’t truly know people, especially online. I have online friends, and I love them dearly, but I don’t know how they behave when they aren’t talking to me. Two people can have two very different experiences with the same person.

At the same time, if something feels fishy, dig deeper. During the FM situation early on, there were red flags that popped up for me that I ignored at first because other people seemed to support them. Once they bullied one of my friends right in front of me, I realized those red flags were definitely there and dropped them like a hot potato. Being a “good friend” only goes so far. If you see them do something mean, confront them. How they react to that criticism is a good indication of whether they are trying to manipulate you or not.

Don’t Be a Yes Man

Being loyal is a good thing. Being blindly loyal is a good way to end up with a toxic friend group. Manipulative people rely on yes men to always support them out of blind loyalty or because you feel indebted to them. Community is important, but let me say this, you owe awful people nothing. Cut your losses and move on if you realize they’re toxic. There’s often a sunk-cost fallacy with friends or people higher than you in the industry where people think, “if I just wait a little longer, things will get better” or “if I wait a while longer, they’ll promote my work to their followers, and my work will take off.” People will stay in toxic situations far longer than they should because they’ve already been there so long. At the same time, it can also be a “boiled frog” situation where things slowly become worse and don’t notice.

What I think is most important is to pay attention to what is going on in front of you with this person. If you see them doing something mean or shitty, call them out on it. Normal people don’t expect their friends to always agree or support them. Most of us know we can be irrational, petty, childish, jealous, etc., and personally, I’d like to be told if I have gone off the rails and been an ass because I know I need to apologize for my behavior and do better. One of my fears is that in the age of “your valid,” people take it too far or misunderstand what it is supposed to mean. Someone feeling jealousy is a perfectly normal emotion to have. How you act on that emotion is a very different story. Having a little vent in your group chat is one thing. Spreading falsehoods about that person to undercut them is another. If a friend is doing something bad, they should be called out on it. If they can’t handle the criticism once the heavy emotions have died down, then you need to reevaluate your relationship with them.

I was debating which heading to put this under since it straddles all of them, but if you are part of a friend group or friends with someone and you are afraid to disagree with them because you think they will put you on blast or smear you as they do others, that is a mega red flag. Just think about the situation from a more objective perspective. You are afraid to leave a group for fear of being bullied. That isn’t normal, and you shouldn’t tolerate it.

Move Away from a Punitive Mindset

At the heart of many manipulator-fueled pile-ons is a sense of justice, that the people engaging in the pile-ons are helping their friend or standing up for some greater social cause. It’s commonplace for manipulative people to take a personal beef or a perceived slight and spin it with a social justice slant, couching the crime in language that isn’t truly applicable in the situation (once the evidence/situation is looked at more closely) in order to get the “good” people around them to react more strongly. “Good” people don’t engage in pile-ons unless a threshold of unacceptability is reached, and the manipulator knows that. They can’t say, “I hate so-and-so who many of you are friends with, so unfollow them,” but they can say, “So-and-so is harassing me and said something hateful about me.” That’s the kind of thing people will jump on because they believe their friend. This all should have been covered in the critical thinking section, but this mob mentality falls under punitive justice.

Punitive justice is the belief that people need to be punished for their crimes in a way that is proportional to the behavior. The problem is that people with large followings and parasocial relationships can turn those people into judge, jury, and executioner for those they don’t like. As mentioned in part one, often there is no evidence presented at all to substantiate what they’re upset about, the yes men/enablers swarm around them to console them, and then they go off to exact justice, whether that’s through harassment, review bombing, or smear campaigns. The question becomes is there actually a crime? And if there was one, is this hornet swarm proportional to what the person actually did? Acting as a white knight or savior to another person is a symptom of this sort of punitive mentality. The dragon must be slain, and the other person rescued.

In a perfect world, the mindset should be that the person is held to account but with a focus on restorative or transformative justice. If there was something done to the other person, they should make amends and do something to restore that person to how they were before the offense or to do something to atone to the community. Punitive justice leaves little room for growth or doing better, and I would even suggest that it works in the manipulator’s favor in several ways. 1. if they play the victim, the person they’re accusing will almost always be worse off than them because they end up being harmed for something they didn’t do. 2. When the manipulator is caught, they will just delete all their accounts and pop up with a new persona.

Do I think they should be punished? Yes. I think withholding support and unfollowing people is something one should do if someone is awful. At the same time, I think there should be room for growth. If we watch from afar and see that this person is trying (emphasis on is), then they should be allowed back into the community after rebuilding trust and making amends to those they hurt. Unfortunately, without all the things listed above and a severe, sustained attitude change from everyone (myself included) in the writing community, I don’t know if this is even possible.

A Note on the Victims of Manipulators

A manipulative person leaves swaths of victims in their wake. There are the people they actively wronged through smear campaigns and bullying, the people they manipulated and abused in private, and the people close to them who were used and lied to. Those closest to them need to examine how they behaved after the abuse is exposed and remember that you can be a victim and a bully.

Something that upset me after the FM incident was how the people closest to them were consoled and coddled far more readily than those who were the victims of FM’s bullying campaigns and cyberstalking. I understand why. Those people had more of a community than their victims; they had each other. It felt like they were more upset about being in the splash zone of a scandal than that they had been complicit in FM’s abuse by enabling them and/or acting as a bully by proxy for them by engaging in their pile-ons against others.

Every single person I’ve talked to who was a victim of their bullying, cyberstalking, and abusive behavior all show signs of PTSD and anxiety from the experience. Seeing their profile pic became a trigger. My blood pressure would shoot up when they appear on my timeline, and I would go into anxiety spirals when they would start harassing me with sock puppet accounts. Now that they’ve been exposed, the anxiety has lessened, but these online harassment campaigns are not victimless crimes. People who were abused privately feel deep amounts of shame, and some haven’t returned to online communities because they feel they can’t trust people anymore.

This section isn’t meant to be a complaint section on what I and others experienced. It is meant to point that real harm is done when people enable manipulators and let their behavior go on unchecked, especially after they’ve seen the red flags. My hope is that as a community, we can be better about seeing the signs of a manipulative person early, not enable their manipulation, and think critically about what we’re witnessing before acting in a punitive manner at their behest.