Kara has Gender Feelings

May 17, 2026May 17, 2026 Kara JorgensenLeave a comment

Recently, I have been having big gender feelings again. As you may or may not know, I’m nonbinary, and I use they/them pronouns. I’m fairly out about being nonbinary, but it comes with the annoying side effect of being absolutely invisible to non-trans people (and to some trans people as well).

Binary trans people, especially trans POC, are often more visible than nonbinary people. They are clocked easier by cis people if they don’t 100% pass, which can mean more danger for them. Nonbinary people often have sort of the opposite problem where they are invisible and no matter how queer they look, they will still be seen as man-lite or woman-lite by other people. While this means less chance of violence, it also means being constantly misgendered and having your identity invalidated by the people around you. At some point, you start to get a complex where you want to scream, “I’m trans too!” at everyone who doesn’t immediately clock you.

For me, being trans is an intrinsic part of my identity, just like my autism or queerness. From a young age, I have struggled with dysphoria. I didn’t have a word for it back when I was a kid hitting puberty at ten years old, but from that point on, I stopped feeling comfortable in my body. Suddenly, against my will, my body was different. I had boobs, which ended up being fairly large quickly, so I was forced to wear a bra and feel that all of my clothes hit all the wrong places. Growing up in the early 2000s, everything for girls was tight and close-fitting. Between sensory issues and dysphoria, I was ready to claw out of my skin every time my clothes clung to me. My mom didn’t fight me 90% of the time about not being feminine, and I settled into oversized t-shirts and cargo shorts.

I remember reading Cry to Heaven by Anne Rice as a teenager and fantasizing about being a castrati or a eunuch. The body I wanted most was flat chested, slightly taller than I am, and sex-less. Delicate-featured like a woman but flat and tall like a man. Daily, I am reminded that even with modern hormones and surgeries, the gender presentation I want isn’t possible. Well, technically, I could forgo any hormones and suppress my estrogen, but my bones would turn to dust and my organs would get out of whack. I desperately wish someone could create a sex hormone cocktail would allow for man shape without the facial hair or drastic voice drop. Microdosing is possible, but I don’t want most of the side effects of masculinization. I just want to not be a woman.

Being perceived as a woman makes me feel dysphoric.

I used to feel so guilty in college when my professors would expound upon how proud of us they were for being such smart women, and my brain would whisper, “But I’m not.” I’m not ashamed to be a woman as some people assume when you say you aren’t cis but AFAB. Woman always chafed like shoes that didn’t fit. There are a thousand ways to be a woman, but I never felt like I was any of those things. The label made no sense when held against me. Yes, I came genetically preprogrammed to grow boobs, have periods, and only be 5’6″, but that doesn’t mean I’m a woman. The image of me in my head isn’t a woman and never has been.

What’s really funny is how not feminine I feel and am next to my trans woman partner. She revels in being a woman and is so much more herself than she was before. It has been so heartening to see her grow into herself through transitioning. It also has made the contrast between us so much starker. My gender discomfort feels so much louder as I see her become more comfortable, and the worst part is that I’m not sure how to quiet it. I would love to get a mastectomy, but I can’t afford it and my job is only on a contractual basis, which means I don’t get paid time off to recover. There’s also the fear of not being able to drive in an emergency and the potential for giant autoimmune flares due to my chronic issues that could come with having major surgery.

When your brain and your body don’t align, it really messes with your head. It hinders me from dressing how I want or being comfortable in my skin. In turn, I’m not perceived by others gender-wise the way I’d like, and that messes with my head too. The worst part is my autism also fights against good change. It’s really hard for me to change my hair or clothing style because my brain rebels at the wrong-ness even if it’s good wrong. That anxiety hinders me from changing my hair too drastically or going for the more formal clothing I’d like to try. Those things might make me feel better gender-wise, but I have to white-knuckle through the initial discomfort of change. I hear a lot of trans people talk about gender euphoria, and I fear I will never have that because my brain’s first instinct is to scream no at change. Never in my life have I ever felt beautiful or handsome or attractive. I’ve only felt cute or passable at best. I’m not fishing for compliments; I’m just telling you the reality inside my head.

One day I hope I get to have the same gender euphoria that my partner feels, but I don’t know if that’s possible. That doesn’t mean I shouldn’t try; it just means it will be harder for me due to autism and chronic illness. Still, I worry that being androgynous or the vision of gender I have in my head is impossible, and while HRT has come a long way, it still has a ways to go for nonbinary people.

Writer Rambles

Writer Ramble #1

September 14, 2025September 14, 2025 Kara Jorgensen1 Comment

I apologize in advance if this post has typos as I am writing it with what I think is the beginnings of a migraine, and my ability to coherently string together sentences is always what goes first.

I’m starting a new blog post type that I’m dubbing a writer ramble. This is going to be a sort of catch-all for what’s going on, author updates, things on my mind, etc. Basically, things that are not long enough by themselves to constitute a full blog post on their own.

The Indie Ink Awards

On Sunday, it was the awards ceremony for this year’s Indie Ink Awards, and I found out that The Reanimator’s Remains (TRM #3) won in the following categories: LGBTQ+ Representation, Mental Health Representation, and Neurodivergent Representation.

I am so thankful for the readers who nominated it and who voted in the opening round and for the judges that read all of the books for the second round. I am honored and grateful for any and all attention my books get, and in a world where people like RFK Jr. are demonizing autistic people, this feels like vindication for myself and for my readers who love Oliver and Felipe.

A Preorder Coming Soon

The preorder for The Reanimator’s Fate (TRM #4) will be up for preorder soon. I have been putting off setting up the preorder because I need to readjust the blurb a bit, but I’m thinking the release date will be January 27th, 2026. With the semester starting and there being personal life chaos, it has been hard to focus on fixing it. I swear, blurbs take far more brain power than actual writing.

I know it’s a ways off, but I think this book will be long and the wait will be worth it. I want to give Oliver and Felipe the best send-off I can. There will also be an epilogue #4.5 story published after, and at some point in 2026, I plan to publish a collection of the between short stories along with a few new short stories sprinkled in.

Personal Life Rambles

I have been grappling with my “the world is hateful and on fire” anxiety lately, which I think is understandable. At the same time, I think the internet is a giant part of that because it’s like negativity concentrate when trolls and awful people bombard you and get shared widely across your timeline. In reality, the world is not nearly as on fire as it appears online. It’s still bad, but the pace of the horrors is slower. I’ve been trying to be better about not staring directly into the void for too long, so I don’t utterly fry myself. I still want to be in the know and able to share resources and such, so I’m trying to look away from the chaos more often.

The nice thing is that despite all the transphobia in the world, I am watching my partner bloom into her true self, and I am so glad that I get to be along for the ride with her. I have thrown myself into being the most helpful and supportive partner I can as she feels out what she likes and grows into the person she sees in her mind. I’m so proud of her, and it gives me hope that one day I can find my optimal gender expression. I have been finding it difficult to triangulate gender vs autistic clothing tolerance vs cost of clothes. Being autistic and nonbinary makes everything feel like Goldilocks going this is too little, this is too much until you hate shopping for clothes. I know together we’ll figure things out and grow closer as we stumble through the same journey, even if the paths are slightly different.

Is the world on fire? Yes, but there are good things in the world that make life worth living and make every day so much more pleasant. Part of fascism is sucking the joy from everything, so take it where you can get it and lean into what makes you happiest in these times.

Personal Life

Trans People Need You to Step Up

January 19, 2025January 19, 2025 Kara Jorgensen2 Comments

We start the 47th president’s term with a ban on transgender student athletes passing the House of Representatives and heading for the senate, so I am imploring you today to step up for the trans people in your life and push back against anti-trans bills now, for the next four years, and beyond.

You might think, “Oh, well, it’s just about student athletes.” Yes, but children are our most vulnerable demographic, and if they can make the world so hostile that the next generation of trans kids goes back into the closet, they are truly aiming for ALL trans people. It starts with “protect the girls, protect the children,” and I have to ask myself, from what? Trans kids are not a danger to cis kids. Trans girls playing softball or soccer are not taking a spot from a cis girl or going to molest anyone. Their cis male coaches are much more likely to do that statistically, and trust me when I say, absolutely no one is pretending to be trans to get close to cis kids to do them harm. The risk of harm to the trans person far outweighs anything else. Trans people are four times more likely to be the victim of a violent crime than cis people.

This leads to the very high suicide rate among trans people. Some in the anti-trans movement will ascribe that to trans people being mentally ill, but much like autistic people, it isn’t the marginalization itself that makes them suicidal, it’s the societal conditions in which we live. Trans people have a harder time finding and keeping work, they are more likely to be cast out by their families than cis people, and the conservative side of our nation does everything in its power to make our lives harder, whether that’s through taking away gender affirming care, making name and gender marker changes near impossible, or by creating a social climate that is openly hostile to trans people.

A lot of push back comes from the fear of children being “mutilated,” but who knows your heart better than you? You can be the most seemingly loving parent, but your child still knows themselves better than you do, and I think that scares a lot of people. I grew up not having a word for how I felt, but I’m still nonbinary, I’m still trans. I grew up, found words for it, and had to live with the regret that I may never be the person I could have been if gender-affirming care had been available to me as a teenager. Most prepubescent kids just want you to call them by the correct name and wear the clothes they want. They’re not getting surgery or hormones. They just want autonomy and to be accepted for who they are. When they hit puberty, they sometimes get hormone blockers to stave off those permanent changes until they are old enough to decide they are sure in their decision to transition. I hit puberty at 11, hard and fast, and it completely screwed with my mental health and my perception of who I was. Not every trans person gets dysphoria (the gender version of dysmorphia), but I can tell you that it is hell on earth to feel like your body never fits right. You eventually stop looking in the mirror because the you in your head is never there, and the outside world perceives you in a way that goes against your inner identity.

Teenagers (16 and up, most over 18) who take hormone replacement therapy to have their bodies align with their inner identity have far better mental health and well-being outcomes than those who don’t get that sort of care. A trans kid allowed to transition is a happier, more well-adjusted child and a future adult with a better outlook. Hormone replacement therapy is safe and well-studied. This isn’t new technology, and there’s no reason to force a child to go through a puberty they didn’t want just to have them go through surgeries later when they are out of their parents’ control. Because that is what happens. That child/adult has always been trans. They just have to work far harder and go through far more pain to become the person they have always been.

Ultimately, that is the purpose of these sorts of laws: to cause pain. Conservatives and fascists seek to exert hierarchy and control. A trans person changing their identity disrupts that hierarchy. A woman becoming a man means having a usurper in their midst, and a man becoming a woman disrupts the belief that women are lesser. And a nonbinary person choosing to step out of the gender hierarchy all together is akin to anarchy.

One of the first places the Nazis went after when they came into power was Magnus Hirschfeld’s Institut für Sexualwissenschaft, or the Institute for Sexual Science, was because it supported gay and trans people. It was a place where trans people could get hormones and gender affirming surgeries. The Nazis had to clamp down on this because it disrupted the social order, and those who did were labeled as degenerates. They burned Hirshfeld’s research, set transgender research back for decades, and put many queer and trans people in concentration camps. Even if you don’t understand why someone would want to change genders, I have to ask if you really want to support something the Nazis thought was a great idea.

What I am asking you to do is to be vocal in your support of trans people. Call those out who want to harass trans people and anyone who doesn’t fit the gender mold because ultimately cis Black girls and tomboys are the ones who will face the most backlash and scrutiny under these anti-trans laws because they aren’t really about trans people, they’re about control and enforcing ever shifting gender norms.

Please reach out to your senators and reps (federal and state) and tell them to support transgender people. If you’re able, call your senators and tell them not to support SB9. You can see all the anti-trans bills that are filtering through congress here. If you aren’t comfortable calling your reps, you can send an email to all of your senators and your house rep through democracy.io

Your support is needed now more than ever, so I hope you will stand up for people like me and my partner, and make the world a better place for everyone, regardless of gender.

Personal Life

How Being Nonbinary Helped My Dysphoria

August 21, 2022August 21, 2022 Kara Jorgensen1 Comment

For most of my life, I have had a complicated relationship with my body.

The first thing to keep in mind is that I had severe eczema over most of my body until about 2 years ago when I started taking a biologic and the eczema was beaten back to nearly nothing. I mention the eczema in a post about being nonbinary because I want to be clear that a lot of my covering up with hoodies and long pants was because people are weird about rashes. They will give you dirty looks, stare at open sores, and generally be rude. On top of that, eczema burns like a bitch when it’s exposed to the air or the skin touches other skin, so covering the folds of my arms and legs helped to mitigate that constant pain. Due to the eczema, I covered up most of my body, and people often took that for being uncomfortable with my body. I was but not in the way they thought.

My build is what some people would call sturdy. I have muscle on my calves and straight, strong shoulders. Neither fat nor thin, just in the middle but sturdy enough and tall enough (though still average) that I am certainly not petite or slight. My chest is disproportionately large, but I’m not really curvy either. Before I realized I was nonbinary, I didn’t always like my body. A lot of this has to do with growing up in the late 90s and early 00s when the in look for women was thin, almost prepubescent in terms of build, and wearing 85 layers of tight clothing. The alternative was big boobed bimbo. No shade to the bimbos of the world, I love Dolly and Elvira, but the thought of people seeing me that way because my genes decided to grace me with a disproportionate amount of fat on my chest was alarming to say the least.

At that age, I couldn’t articulate how I felt, but the fact that I couldn’t control how people perceived me terrified me. I hate that people saw me as a woman and sexualized me the moment I wore feminine clothing. I already didn’t like feminine clothing. That had been an ongoing war with my mother since I was in late elementary school. I hated dresses, hated skirts, and only wore them when my mom insisted I had to dress up. Around 10, I discovered anime tshirts and cargo shorts in the boys section of Target and let out a sigh of relief. There were other options than the booty shorts or feminine capris the girls section had to offer. T-shirts and cargo shorts hid the things that made me uncomfortable. Puberty had been a special sort of hell as a neurodivergent person and as someone who, unbeknownst to them, was experiencing dysphoria.

By the time I got to high school, the thought of putting on feminine clothing filled me with a special kind of dread. Every time I had to wear something feminine for a school event or a holiday, it felt like I was wearing an incredibly ugly costume. You know the scene in Beauty and the Beast when Beast is in the tub and they give him that ridiculous haircut and he just deadpan says that he looks stupid? That’s how I felt. This was compounded upon by the ease of my cousins’ transition into adolescence where they (seemed) to happily wear makeup, feminine clothing, played with their hair. I constantly felt like I was doing a really bad job pretending to be a woman. The label chafed and sagged, like I filled out all the wrong places. At some point, I stopped caring. I was bad at womanhood, so be it. I kept my hair pulled back, wore t-shirts, jeans, and hoodies/pullovers while giving zero shits, but the fact that people still perceived me as a woman nagged at me.

It wasn’t until I was in graduate school (so around 24-ish?), I stumbled upon the term nonbinary, and it was like everything clicked. In the past, I had debated if I was a trans man. I saw Chaz Bono on Dancing with the Stars when I was in college, and while I felt not-feminine, I didn’t think I felt that masculine. I was caught in a weird middle ground between masculine and feminine, none of which particularly appealed to me. When I finally understood what nonbinary people were and that they existed, it was like oh, so there’s a word for all these feelings I’ve had for years. All those moments of panic and revulsion made sense. They were dysphoria. It also helped explain why some things that were seen as feminine by others didn’t bother me.

I didn’t hate my body, per se. I hate how others perceived my body. That it was simultaneously seen as feminine yet not feminine enough because I wasn’t petite, because I had strong shoulders and legs, because I didn’t like to wear makeup or wear dresses. None of these things are inherently masculine or feminine, but society arbitrarily ascribes gender to them (aka don’t @ me for this, you know what I mean). Suddenly, my body felt less wrong. I was never a woman. I have always been nonbinary but didn’t have the word for the feelings. My strong body mixed with my long hair, chest, and generally, neutral clothing felt right.

This mix of hard and soft feels right to me and has settled the war between my body and mind substantially. I still panic at the thought of clothing that is too gendered in either direction (or what my brain deems gendered), but my dysphoria has subsided. The freedom to buy clothes I want and to say, “F it, I’m buying from the men’s department,” without caring about other people’s judgment feels right. The more I branch out, the happier I am, and it’s been nice to see my partner exploring more feminine options (often my cast-offs) and loving how he looks.