I have recently learned a valuable lesson: you cannot mandate relaxation.

My tendency is to be a bit of a workaholic when it comes to grading, writing, etc. to the point that I burn myself out. I rarely get to the point of actual burnout, but I definitely end up giving myself a time out or not being able to work for a few days due to my brain just being fried.

Of course, because I’m a workaholic, I got annoyed at the fact that I sometimes required a few days off every now and again, so what did I do? I added mandated relaxation to my to-do list. If you’re face-palming at this, you aren’t wrong.

What does mandated relaxation look like? At first, I put on my weekly to-do list that I had to play video games. At the time, certain games were doing it for me and helping me relax. The first few weeks of this, allowing myself to play games did help. Having it on my to-do list eliminated the guilt associated with playing games while fried instead of doing something “productive.” The problem came when I started to feel better, and gaming went from relaxing to another thing on my list that I didn’t feel like doing. Soon, I switched it from gaming to doing crafts.

Once again, it worked at first, and then quickly became a chore. I sat there being like how do I phrase this to allow myself to relax or force myself to break without feeling bad?

It feels like a very obvious answer now, but I need to unpack my own productivity issues and allow myself to enjoy myself, rest, do relaxing things instead of void staring until I’m productive again. Fixating on productivity and what I can do or get done isn’t healthy, and it’s ultimately what’s holding me back from maintaining a more realistic healthy schedule. Sometimes I also like to forget that I have chronic conditions that make it so I’m not 100% on or at the same level all the time. I would never beat someone else up over having to take it easy when they don’t feel good, but with myself? I take no quarter and am very mean to myself.

Listening to my body isn’t easy, but I’m trying. I’m trying to pay attention to when it needs rest or to do something creative because creativity is as nurturing to me as food. When I say creative here, I mean something besides writing. I like to do art, crafts, puzzle games. Anything intellectually stimulating that isn’t my writing or grading. I tend to think I’m at peace with having chronic conditions since I’ve had them in some form for the vast majority of my life, but when the condition becomes more internal (versus being very outwardly obvious as it used to be), it’s harder to face the expectations people put on you when they assume you’re running at normal/full steam all the time. That’s the part I need to work on: advocating for myself with others while listening to my body and brain rather than punishing it for its needs.