Maintaining My Sanity

July 23, 2023July 3, 2023 Kara Jorgensen2 Comments

I have recently learned a valuable lesson: you cannot mandate relaxation.

My tendency is to be a bit of a workaholic when it comes to grading, writing, etc. to the point that I burn myself out. I rarely get to the point of actual burnout, but I definitely end up giving myself a time out or not being able to work for a few days due to my brain just being fried.

Of course, because I’m a workaholic, I got annoyed at the fact that I sometimes required a few days off every now and again, so what did I do? I added mandated relaxation to my to-do list. If you’re face-palming at this, you aren’t wrong.

What does mandated relaxation look like? At first, I put on my weekly to-do list that I had to play video games. At the time, certain games were doing it for me and helping me relax. The first few weeks of this, allowing myself to play games did help. Having it on my to-do list eliminated the guilt associated with playing games while fried instead of doing something “productive.” The problem came when I started to feel better, and gaming went from relaxing to another thing on my list that I didn’t feel like doing. Soon, I switched it from gaming to doing crafts.

Once again, it worked at first, and then quickly became a chore. I sat there being like how do I phrase this to allow myself to relax or force myself to break without feeling bad?

It feels like a very obvious answer now, but I need to unpack my own productivity issues and allow myself to enjoy myself, rest, do relaxing things instead of void staring until I’m productive again. Fixating on productivity and what I can do or get done isn’t healthy, and it’s ultimately what’s holding me back from maintaining a more realistic healthy schedule. Sometimes I also like to forget that I have chronic conditions that make it so I’m not 100% on or at the same level all the time. I would never beat someone else up over having to take it easy when they don’t feel good, but with myself? I take no quarter and am very mean to myself.

Listening to my body isn’t easy, but I’m trying. I’m trying to pay attention to when it needs rest or to do something creative because creativity is as nurturing to me as food. When I say creative here, I mean something besides writing. I like to do art, crafts, puzzle games. Anything intellectually stimulating that isn’t my writing or grading. I tend to think I’m at peace with having chronic conditions since I’ve had them in some form for the vast majority of my life, but when the condition becomes more internal (versus being very outwardly obvious as it used to be), it’s harder to face the expectations people put on you when they assume you’re running at normal/full steam all the time. That’s the part I need to work on: advocating for myself with others while listening to my body and brain rather than punishing it for its needs.

Personal Life

Burn Out and the Grad School Grind

September 8, 2015 Kara JorgensenLeave a comment

Grad school has begun again. Well, technically it began last week, but today marks my second week of classes. As much as I love my MFA program and the people in it, I hate the stress that comes with going to school. It sets me on edge and raises my anxiety, which means more headaches, stomach problems, and overall fatigue.

Back to school time can be very trying for people with anxiety. New people, new schedules, homework, deadlines, readings. It’s a difficult balancing act without having to add psyching yourself up to deal with people. Usually, I end up listening to music that pumps me up on my way to the university. It helps immensely, especially if you have another playlist that calms you that you can listen to on the way home. That transition time can allow you to decompress and not lash out at relatives when you arrive home. I still do it once in a while when a class has been particularly stressful, but it’s a lot less frequent than when I just went through the motions.

During this time of year, it’s very easy to get lost in the muddle of assignments and readings, but you need to remember to take time out for you. Your body is a reservoir that needs refilling, and if you get too low from stress and work, you will have a meltdown that will take time to recover from. It’s like a car battery. If you run a car for a while, then turn it off, and come back a few hours or a day later, the battery automatically refills itself, but if you leave a car on for three days straight, the battery will die, and it will take multiple jolts from another car to restart it. That’s what happens after a meltdown or if you let it get to low and you burn out.

Take time for you. Finish your assignments, get your readings done, create a schedule, but take time to do the things you enjoy. Don’t get buried in your work, or you will be burnt out by midterms. I know the reaction, I was there as an undergrad, “Take time for me? Are you crazy? Do you see the pile of crap I have to do? When am I supposed to fit that in?”

You can, trust me. When you have a lot of classes and assignments, you would be amazed how much a whiteboard calendar can help in terms of organization. Make lists of what you have to get done for the day or week. As you do them, cross them off, but leave time for you at least a few days a week. Go for a cup of coffee with a friend or take a trip to the mall. Get out of your normal space and do something you love. If you don’t like going out, read something you want to read, watch a few episodes (few- not a whole night’s worth unless you finished your work) of a show you enjoy. Do something that will make you happy and decompress.

It’s much easier to refill a half-full bucket than an empty one. Know your limits, know what you need to accomplish, and know that you matter. You aren’t a machine, despite what others may think.